Forward Thinking

I’m usually better at getting this thing out before the calendar page officially turns to January, but here we are, and I’m still not sure what I want my goals to be for the year. I asked a friend, and he had a good idea…to think about what I want my impact to be. It’s an interesting thing to consider.

There are only so many hours in a day, and my time is precious…I don’t always remember that.

For the longest time (about a decade) I was desperate to just have something of my own while I was staying home with my kids. Fast forward all these years later, I have quite a bit on my plate, arguably too much. I’m not as discerning as I probably should be with my time occupations. I just kinda say yes to almost everything that I’m asked to do. In the past couple of years I’ve been better about it out of necessity, but I periodically realize that I’m in way over my head with my to-do list. There are only so many hours in a day, and my time is precious…I don’t always remember that.

I have three main buckets that my “me” activities can fit within. I have my passions, which is my prison stuff. The world, however, doesn’t have the luxury of waiting for me to be super excited about a task that needs to happen. I might not feel impassioned about everything, but I still feel the pull of moral obligation. There are a handful of various things that I do because of this obligation.

Poverty and societal exclusion have the highest correlation to incarceration, and I’ve always been of the mind to help prevent problems whenever I can. By extension I also volunteer with things in the poverty arena. I suppose it’s connected to societal exclusion, but that’s more of a squishy thing to quantify, so I focus on participating where there are already effective inroads. In the past several months I haven’t been great about volunteering for this organization that does work with homelessness. In the next year my hope is to get back on track with them. I need to be more specific about what that means, but I want to prioritize them.

I’ve also been trying to get on my town’s affordable housing committee. It looks like maybe…hopefully that can happen in the next year, but who knows. I’ve just been attending meetings while I wait for a spot to open. In the meantime, I’m trying to learn as much as I can about it because I’m not really qualified to serve on the committee. I had a vague ambition a few years ago to participate in town governance. The committee I currently serve on is a meh experience and not all that important when push comes to shove. My term is up in 2024, and I don’t plan to serve another one.

I’m always asked about my social justice work, but that’s never what ends up being the most important part of what I offer.

I’m on another Board; it’s for affordable health care. It’s still new, but hopefully I can get my bearings in an area that I know almost nothing about in a meaningful way. Right now my biggest contribution is that I have experience in management. But not just any kind…there are oodles of people who have been in a leadership role, but they’ve never been responsible for hiring, firing, supervising, training, and all the other bits and pieces that are important but completely unglamorous. But it’s my wheelhouse and a fairly easy lift for me. When I’m interviewed for these positions, I’m always asked about my social justice work, but that’s never what ends up being the most important part of what I offer. Management experience…that’s where it’s at. This organization is in the area of poverty…sort of, but I can’t say that it fits in the same way as the other poverty work I do.

Political campaign text- and phonebanking can be lumped into the moral obligation bucket as well. I don’t dislike those activities, but I’m not all that jazzed about doing them either. I never regret my participation despite the anxiety they bring, but it’s a seemingly endless slog during election season…which is coming up…huzzah. But maybe I’ll get in some postarding as well. I love postcarding, but since Covid there haven’t been any groups to join, which is a major bummer. Maybe that will change for this coming election cycle…one can dream. I plan to find and sign-on to whatever groups organize all these campaigning banks. I know the Democratic Party usually does, so I’ll just need to be on top of that when the time comes…which might be sooner than it takes me to get my act together.

The final group are finite things that cross my plate that need to get done, but no one else will do them. It’s usually stuff I didn’t organize, mundane tasks that aren’t particularly exciting.

Part of what’s such a challenge is that I never feel like I’m doing enough

But this circles back to the question: What do I want my impact to be? I can be vague about my impact goals, but in terms of identifying what I want to focus on or get done in the following year, it’s a harder thing for me to figure out. Part of what’s such a challenge is that I never feel like I’m doing enough, so I feel this internal pressure to commit to whatever comes my way.

I think for the impact conversation I need to keep it simple and stick to my prison work, which is what I feel most passionate about. My remote writing program is as expanded as I can reasonable have it. In-person classes resuming are totally out of my control…more than trying to get more remote writing programs started. I have a remote book “discussion” program that’s been approved at a facility in my state system, which means it’s more or less approved everywhere else. I’ve half-assed tried to get it implemented somewhere. It would probably be less work to run than my writing program, so I think I’ll try to be more focused and get that started somewhere.

The issue is that it’s such a slog for that kind of thing. I’ve tried to get into out-of-state prisons and expended a little effort trying to start something at the federal level. The biggest barrier is that these are horribly opaque systems. It’s not so much a sinister thing, more they are huge and each facility has its own culture and management. And the programming is run differently everywhere…every state…every level…every facility.

For example, some states use nonprofits to provide programming, especially in the arts. If a nonprofit is involved, that means that I won’t be able to get into that system because nonprofits will always be gatekeepers. If the leadership can’t take credit for it, they don’t want anything to do with it. It’s counterintuitive because they have much less red tape to wade through. But at the end of the day, they are virtually impossible to work with on all levels, especially if I’m out-of-state, which I invariably am.

Government agencies are easier because the barrier is that I’m dealing with a bureaucracy. My success in managing a bureaucracy is my ability to speak the language of what they need. It’s opaque, so I’m not really sure going in what I’ll be dealing with. I have to fact find for everything, and approach it based on my background knowledge which only partially applies. The places where things don’t mesh, however, can easily be a deal breaker. That said, I usually experience a ton of interest for the programming I offer. What ultimately becomes a sticking point is that they want to keep things internal…or other personnel or process things. It’s also not immediate, so trying to get something started literally takes months for any movement whatsoever. And by months I mean easily six…six-months of consistent persistent efforts with the hope that there isn’t a turnover of staffing.

I’m periodically spread too thin to give my full attention on expanding a program with theoretical success.

But anyway, I think now that I have my writing program implemented as much as I’m able, I’ll try to get the book program in somewhere. I need to identify some states, which I have given some consideration to already. But what I’d really love to do is get into the federal level. Ideally, I’d be at the federal supermax…the most secure facility in the country. I’d dabbled in getting in touch with someone there before, but as I mentioned, it was really half-assed. I’m periodically spread too thin to give my full attention on expanding a program with theoretical success. Now that I have the writing program resolved, I might have more luck because I can be more focused in what I’m trying to implement. It’s much easier to make my pitch when I’m not trying to sell more than one thing.

I also have a program that’s a process for writing a children’s book. I might try to get that one in somewhere as well, but that might not be a worthwhile effort. Unlike my current writing program (and what would probably happen with the book discussion one), this is a really niche program. There will likely be very narrow interest with even fewer who submit their work. I might be surprised, but I doubt it.

The other two programs have a much more general appeal…in the case of the writing program, it has a more general appeal than I had originally expected. With my writing program I never dreamed I’d have so many who struggle with literacy. I had to develop prompts and exercises specific to that population because I always have several who fit that group of writers. I’m not sure what would happen with the book program…it could go in several directions, and that’s just what I can imagine. Things always seem to be at least a little different once something is implemented. At this point with my program development capabilities I’m not way off with my predictions, but my predictions are different from the reality enough that I need to tweak things as I go.

But to answer my original question about what I want my impact to be…I’m not really sure it’s something I can articulate, and I should be able to.

But to answer my original question about what I want my impact to be…I’m not really sure it’s something I can articulate, and I should be able to. I vaguely know. I mean, I have my grandiose visions, but those are more fantasy that bring about both a dreamy sigh and anxiety when I think about them. But real time, other than providing quality remote programming when I know it’s in short supply, it’s hard to say. I know my impact with my writing program. I want to bring more of that with more options, reaching more people. That seems like a small goal to me, but I’m also neurotic, especially about this work I do.

Maybe I’ll have good fortune and expand the passion that gives me the most pride and the most gratification.

Maybe in the next year I should work on that…seeing my work through how it is, rather than through the way I beat myself up and second guess. I have absolutely no idea how I’d go about it, but at some point I should get a grip and be reasonable with myself. In the meantime, maybe I’ll have good fortune and expand the passion that gives me the most pride and the most gratification.